Rebecca Black Named Prime Suspect in Mantralaya Fire Case

Disclaimer:  None of it's true! Seriously, this isn't serious.

The Mantralaya fire that broke out at 3 p.m. on Thursday in Mumbai was horribly mistimed, according to reliable sources. Startling news yet to be revealed as part of the CBI’s, in their own words, “unbiased investigation” was related by a CBI official to this news body.

            “We have strong reason to believe that the infamous Rebecca Black is the mastermind behind this entire thing. However, we are yet to figure out jurisdiction problems.” He secretively revealed after much persuasion.

            Black’s single “Friday-the worst song ever” is speculated to actually be a coded message to her cohorts in India. “It was not supposed to go viral!” is what she is alleged to have said exasperatedly to the friend who’s by her right, yeh-eh.

Read: right-hand-man.

            An intricate plan of deception and greed is revealed on digging deeper into her would-be secret message.

“It’s just so obvious!” is what Mr. Prithviraj Chavan, CM, Maharashtra said, throwing his hands up agitatedly while giving us a statement. “How the CBI missed it until now is mind-boggling.”

            What they missed is Black’s brazen words. “Which seat can I take?” says it all.

“She wants my seat!” Mr. Chavan said, close to tears.                                                  >>>                                         

                

            The Adarsh Scam, which was the reason for one Chavan’s accession and the other’s ouster, seems to have been targeted in an in-genius plan to wipe out all relative documents. The sheer stupidity an over-optimism of the act seems to have led CBI directly to Black.

            

            “Na rahega baas, na bajegi bansuri” seems to have caught the musical Black’s fantasy. Allegedly a die-hard Ashok Chavan supporter, she figured that once the documents were gone, Prithviraj’s seat would be hers to give to Ashok.

            

            But everything did not go as planned. The fire was premature!

            

            The fire was supposed to break out at 7 a.m. on Friday, the 22^nd of June, it has been confirmed. Black’s first line, “7 a.m., waking up in the morning,” implies a desire to wake the city up with a bang at the indicated time.

            

            The bomb is yet undiscovered at the Mantralaya, but then, perhaps her friends did not adhere to her every direction rigidly. “Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushing” seems to very obviously point to an explosive with a timer.

            

            “It’s Friday, Friday, getting down on Friday,” is directly indicative of getting him down on Friday.

Black seems to have been big on numerology. The 22^nd was fixed because of his being the 22^nd CM of Maharashtra. 6+2+0+1+2 (June 2012) = 11, which is the exact half of 22! And of course, it’s Friday.

Ironically, this song was blaring out of the CBI official’s radio as we asked him for a statement.  “Kicking in the front seat, sitting in the back seat..”

What remains to be seen is the actual prosecution of this ‘singer’. Meanwhile, the CM lives in fear of his seat being sat on, or worse, kicked. 

Rain-maker Dhoble

                Combine sadistic inclinations, a lack of general knowledge, a studied search for old irrelevant laws, a sinister laugh and a bald pate and what do you get? A rain of misguided hockey-stick-brandishing lunatics, you say? Well yes, their leader, at least.

                Vasant “Rain-maker” Dhoble brings work to the Social Service Branch in the most effective way conceivable. The creative genius that hides behind his innocent salt-and-pepper moustached visage is a real delight to nobody in particular. But that deters him not! The sheer willpower that drives this man to incessantly hunt up those elusive, forgotten laws is condemnable...my mistake, commendable!

                The fighter is a man everyone is forced to look up to. His high-handedness besides, he’s lathi-charged against all odds to clear his name of alleged murder and continue as a shining beacon of morality today. This strikes no one as being gigantically ironic.

                The unique thought-process wherein invading the privacy of law-abiding citizens (or laws that make sense anyway) is considered acceptable, even downright necessary, is what sets him apart. In his impossible mission to show the power and activity of our preservers he stops at nothing. Accusing proper young women of prostitution because of his own ignorance of this world’s customs is just another day’s work for this young man. One can just imagine him blushing and muttering “Am I (MI)?” Cruise would probably choke at this reference.

                One can only imagine how over-stressed his limited mental faculties must be thinking up day-in and day-out which loopholes in our laws to exploit this time. They seem to be his friends, almost inviting him into every bar or nightclub there is and charging everyone present with drunken behavior. A startling image fills our mind wherein Rain-maker whirls around with a wildly happy look on his face and magically shuts off music and all activity besides chaining all his victims to the bar. One wishes he’d spontaneously combust with the sheer velocity of his rotation.

                But all our wishes to the heavens seem to bounce off him, and giddy as he may be with all that turning about, drunken he is vociferously not. Harassment charges have not yet reached his khaki-cloaked existence, and one dares not wish again.

                That he is a rave on Twitter seems to leave him publicly unfazed, and privately in moral dilemma, it is imagined. One does not often arrest oneself, and his unbelievable lack of common knowledge may leave him wondering at the best possible route by road to this Twitter place and how best to hush up all this nonsense about him. Nobody around him has either the guts or awareness to enlighten him. Or perhaps it’s his enormous stick that scares them.

                Anyway, party-goers are now in awful danger of developing a permanent crick in their necks from all that glancing over their shoulders. Doctors are increasingly worried about this threatening to become an epidemic. This impact on society has the incredibly sensitive Dhoble in splits and musings about his own greatness. Hold him in the tiniest bit of respect we owe every fellow human? As there are doubts as to the authenticity of that statement, I’m going to have to take a rain-check on that.